Department Store Pride Merchandise Actually Kinda Cute, Dammit

Browsing through her local Westfield Target, Erin Uribe, 24, was conflicted upon learning that the mid-tier department store’s Pride merchandise was “actually pretty cute.”

“I just came here for my sister’s birthday present, I never expected to see a Deborah Kass crewneck!”, she said in a hushed manner as her girlfriend walked by. “I mean, corporations are supposed to be evil. How could a big-bad money monster be capable of brandishing a neon-print Lance Bass facemask?”.

Target set their aim on marketing to the LGBTQ+ community after CEO Brian Cornell saw Neil Patrick Harris’ on-screen appearance in The Smurfs 2. “I walked right out of that theater. Not because the movie was bad. I enjoyed it quite a bit.”, he continued. “That man — Neil Patrick Harris. He had it. I Google’d it immediately to be sure. Yes. It was true. He had exactly what I was looking for. Money.” Cornell shortly after realized that NPH was also gay, and simply used that as a vessel to further his own riches. What started out as merely slapping rainbows on hoodies, has turned into an artisanal focused line of hip green-wearables.

As for Erin Uribe, she said she doesn’t intend to keep purchasing from such a devious conglomerate but “might walk past” the Pride section again next week when she comes “just for Cheez-Its”.